Latest annoyance courtesy of Kathy Shaidle at Five Feet of Fury, who posted an excellent snarky comeback in response to this piece of Leftist hipster assholery by J.F. Sargent :
...and then he goes on to list five completely bullshit excuses to call ME a racist.News has broken that Michael B. Jordan (Chronicle) is being considered to play Johnny Storm (The Human Torch) in the upcoming Fantastic Four reboot. Naturally, comic book fans across the Internet are furious, because they've had it with all the reboots and just want to preserve the magic of the 2005 original -- oh, wait, no. They're angry because Michael B. Jordan is black. And in the comics, Johnny Storm is white. But these Fantastic Four fans aren't mad because they're racist (they insist). No, their reasons are much more complicated, because ...
Because yeah, I used to read a lot of comics. and yeah, I liked Fantastic Four. And hell yeah, I think the notion of casting Michael B. Jordan as Johnny Freakin' Storm in an FF movie makes exactly as much sense as casting Latoya Jackson to play Harry Potter. Or John Hurt as Shaft.
Oh wait, I'm not allowed to make that argument, because its RACIST!.
#1 "Why Don't We Make Black Characters White, Then?"
"The thing is, the only reason these characters were white in the first place was that comic books were created in a time when nobody would have printed a book about a non-white superhero (having female superheroes was difficult enough, and they were handled with something less than dignity). But nowadays, the people responsible for these characters are trying to make their properties as inclusive and welcoming as they possibly can, because everybody likes comic books, not just white people."Uhm, dude, the Fantastic Four was created in the 1960's, not during Jim Crow. So really, just fuck off.
Of course what its really about is power tripping studio corner office types who think they're smarter than... well EVERYBODY. Smarter than Stan Lee and Jack Kirby, for sure. Smarter than the audience, who all either know who Johnny Storm is supposed to be or don't care at all about the Fantastic Four. That would be ladies more than eighty years old like my mother, or recent immigrants who don't know what a comic book is. Illiterate goat herders from the Somali desert, for example.
Everybody who would ever give a shit to see a Fantastic Four movie knows Johnny Storm is a blonde white guy. But some RETARD is trying to make his way up the greased pole at Disney by playing PC politics with characters. That is the -only- reason for making that decision.
Why does this upset me? Because I like the Fantastic Four. I would like to go see a Fantastic Four movie that does not SUCK. I would like to see a Fantastic Four movie that is fun and exciting the way Iron Man was. The way Spider Man was. The way The Avengers was. Hell, even Superman.
A Fantastic Four movie with a black guy playing Johnny Storm? That will not be the movie I want to see. It will suck, because clearly the production will have no respect for the source material. It will suck even harder than the Thunderbirds movie directed by Johnathon Frakes back in 2004. And that's saying something, because that flick lost thirty million bucks due to sucking like a two dollar hooker.
Johnny Storm as a black guy? Genius! They can cast RuPaul as The Thing, Carol Pope from Rough Trade can be Susan Storm (what do you mean she's too old? Ageist!) and Mr. Fantastic can be George Takei in a wheelchair! Cover all the bases.
No? It'll be stupid, you say? You're such a racist.
On the bright side, when the new Fantastic Four movie crashes harder than John Carter of Mars, and for exactly the same stupid ass reason, and loses a hundred MILLION dollars, and ends up in the $5.99 bin at Walmart six months after its release, Disney will fire the living shit out of Mr. Corner Office. All I have to do to ensure that happy outcome is stay the hell home and save my money. Which I will most certainly do.
The Racist Phantom. (Whatcha gonna do about it, hipsters?)
Update: Welcome hipster dweebs. Please read the arguments -carefully- before spouting off in the comments section. Work on that reading comprehension, gentlemen.
Upperdate: Well, here we are in July 2014 and this post is still getting traffic. Comics movies are if anything even more full of shit than before. The new Pinacle of Perversity is DC's Wonder Woman. First teaser picture of Princess Diana is a skinny little girl in bondage leather. Because OBVIOUSLY the Amazons would be right into the S&M scene, right? And obviously a woman who was practically born with a sword in one hand and a bow in the other would have little teensy arms like pipe cleaners and delicate little clavicle bones like a sparrow.
Upperupperdate: I'm confused now.