Here we are on the 12th of January and I've finally found something so stupid I need to mock it. The Scooby-Do remake called Velma on HBO streaming.
Before we get started with the mockery, just imagine for a second what's going to be in a 2023 version of Scooby-Do. What do we expect?
There will be pointless swearing, race-race-race, gay-gay-gay, and not much else. Oh, and it won't be funny. Right?
Right.
"Velma never goes the full Archer route of adult animation, and mostly refrains from using the word "fuck," lest kids get ahold of the remote. But the series' writers find clever (if inanely goofy) ways to work around those constraints, like in one episode that takes place at Crystal Cove's Fog King Festival. Get it? Fog King? Keep going.
"Mostly refrains," uh huh. Pointless wearing, check.
"The series also recasts its central crew with some much-needed diversity. Mindy Kaling voices Velma, now the daughter of two Indian parents, one of whom has gone missing. And Shaggy (who now goes by his birth name, Norville), is a biracial newspaper nerd voiced by Sam Richardson."
Race-race-race, check.
"Yes, after hinting at it across two seasons of Scooby-Doo: Mystery Incorporated and giving Velma a woman to crush on in 2022's Trick or Treat Scooby-Doo!, Velma finally gets to be the queer icon that legions of fans have assumed her to be for decades."
Gay-gay-gay, check!
"Some punchlines completely sneak up on you, like Velma asserting, "The only other person who's ever found me irreplaceable is the captain of my tug-of-war team.""
Not funny, checkity-check-check.
In a town like Crystal Cove, the murder of a busty mega-babe is front-page news. It could mean that all of the city's hottest residents are in danger, causing Fred (Glenn Howerton) to worry about his beloved Daphne's safety. The serial murders of Instagram-perfect co-eds are the catalyst for Velma's funniest running joke, reducing its titular character to an absolute dumpster of a woman who has to wade through a sea of sexpots to be heard. These gags double as cutting jabs at the franchise's history, which more often than not reduced Velma to a homely, sexless brainiac in a shapeless sweater as a foil to Daphne's curvy figure and bombshell red locks.
Nothing else going on, hell yeah.
In other words this is the feminazi flogging of a whole herd of dead Leftist horses by a suddenly brown and gay Velma Dinkly, accompanied by a suddenly brown Shaggy, with tons of stupid Leftist shit from the people who brought you three other Netflix series full of stupid Leftist shit. Oh, and shipping Velma and Daphne. Exactly what we expect. Like they can't help themselves.
Unsurprisingly in related news we hear that Hollywood movie earnings are down 48% since 2019, and that streaming earnings are similarly in the toilet. Because nobody wants to watch weirdos and perverts crap all over their childhood memories of Saturday morning cartoons.
Which is probably why Bleach is now showing on Disney+. Bleach is one of the biggest, longest running, most successful animation shows out there. The new season has been anticipated since ~2012. Disney+ scooped up the exclusive rights to stream it in North America. The reason they did it is that Crunchyroll is making money when all the other streaming services are cutting staff. Even the stupidest Hollywood maggot can see the difference in audience response between bog-standard anime and Woke ™ crap like Velma.
Here endeth the rant.
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